Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
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I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???