[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
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I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change