Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
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“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.