The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
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me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
They’re on their honeymoon
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Please do it!
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them