No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
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Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Finally! 😈
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}