Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
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My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Legend 🤣🤣
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.