Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
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Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.