I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
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“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
where do you see yourself in five years?
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey