My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
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“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
another case of gang violins
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask