[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
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Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Nose
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?