The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
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Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
*Seductively hides in the woods
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?