*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
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Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Oceanography is all about current events
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.