This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
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‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*