Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
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Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay