[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
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terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Hotels are back
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.