Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
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M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.