Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
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[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
I hope they boil the right one.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.