Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
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Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser