Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
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Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.