I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
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HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
I think this cat is broken
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
next level snooze
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower