Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
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microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Doggies just call it style.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
My safe word is Worcestershire
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
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My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.