Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
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I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
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Me: Same
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table