Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
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Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
umm…
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
2022 will be better than 2021
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.