Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
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IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.