Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
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If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross