*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
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People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat