[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
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I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
In Canada they just call them geese
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy