Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
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My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.