*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
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I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
This why you should mind your business
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle