TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
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How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
#parenting
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.