BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
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CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
knights of the ikea table
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!