Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
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As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.