Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
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Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
So, can we agree on 4 or
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge