Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
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If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
My Plans 2020
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no