If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
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[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?