me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
You Might Also Like
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
They got Raph!
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right