awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
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Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
In space, no one can hear…
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
With this onion ring, I thee fed
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Um … Hot Wings please
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?