Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
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getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?