I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
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I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.