“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
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There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
#ParentingFacts
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
what’s the point then??
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…