I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
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I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.