Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
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Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!