I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
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Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.