A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
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Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
and now we wait
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
My body is a temple
for potatoes.