HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
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Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Time heals everything 🙂
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
My sex drive has a dui
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?