on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
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I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years