“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
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This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.