I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
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If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested