I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
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NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…