The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
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My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth